Emma, where's my stuff?
by sudoku
Summary: Emma wasn't happy when Neal moved the whole content of his apartment to their new house so she disposed of nearly all of them. Neal was determined to get them back. What started as Swanfire battle of wills escalated into Storybrooke's first battle of the sexes. Hints of Rumbelle, Snowing, Frankenwolf, Grumpy/Nova, one sided Captain Fire BrOTP and other pairings canon or otherwise.
1. Emma, where's my stuff?

Thanks to the awesome RainMirror to beta this chapter for me!

_Warning:_

-Language and innuendo.

-OOC Emma to make this outrageous plot to work.

* * *

Emma fumed.

_The nerve __of that man__! How does he think he can fit all __of__ his Manhattan stuff in a small__,__ two bedroom house? Why in the world does Neal need __a__ corded__,__ rotary-dial phone, a cobbler's wooden shoe forms, a Berol Giant manual pencil sharpener, a green TV and the __like__?_

Neal texted her in the morning, telling her his stuff would arrive in a trailer. He asked her to sign and pick it up at a diner outside of Storybrooke. He said he'd pick it up himself but he was busy helping his father. He'd be back in five hours' time.

She shouldn't have agreed with him in the first place. To be fair, she was a bit distracted by his hands and other parts, so when he asked whether he could bring his belongings to their new home, she said yes in a moment of weakness.

_Their new home_! Emma liked the sound of that.

Their relationship, in a popular Facebook term, was at best described as "complicated". Neither knew how to describe their relationship. She bet even a supposed expert like Archie wouldn't be able to describe it either.

They both still loved each other, but with so much past baggage they would need years of therapy to be able to let their walls completely down.

Neal was the one doing most of the work in their relationship. After their Neverland adventures, Neal decided he needed to take charge. He wouldn't let his love slip away from him any longer. He'd keep his family together, no matter what the price was. He naïvely took advice from different people to make their relationship work, with varying degrees of success.

David asked him to cook and do housework for Emma. He took it to heart. Emma was pleasantly surprised that Neal Cassidy could actually make a very good househusband. Gold asked him to wear leather pants, which he tried without much enthusiasm. Emma enjoyed the result so she still prompted him to wear them from time to time. There was more advice coming from Whale, Leroy, Frederick and half of the population of Storybrooke, who were apparently very nosy and invested in their love life. It was not every day that the Savior had a relationship with the son of the Dark One.

Emma let Neal make a fool of himself, as he deserved it after abandoning her. Some suggestions, however, were downright dangerous and she put a stop to them immediately before the fool got hurt. Emma was just grateful he ignored Hook's advice, as they involved a lot of kinky maneuvers. That reminded her to punch that pirate again the next time she saw him.

Apparently his efforts worked as she slowly accepted him back into her heart. She didn't even realize it until one fine day, Neal suggested they should move in together. He wanted to make their Tallahassee dream come true and Emma didn't need to think it through before saying yes. Not surprisingly, Henry jumped at the idea immediately. He packed all of his belongings, which was surprisingly a lot for an eleven-year-old, within three hours after Emma announced that they were moving in together. He said it wasn't quite a castle but that it would do for a start.

Neal was very much his father's son and inherited the hoarding habit. Henry was also his father's son with the amount of stuff he owned. The three generations of Golds were hoarders!

Emma then remembered that Neal would be busy for the next five hours. Suddenly, she had an idea on how to deal with his stuff.

* * *

Neal was happy. Finally he could have the family he had always wanted. He was grateful that Emma would want to take him back despite what he did eleven years ago and the whole Tamara debacle. He'd do anything for her and Henry, even sacrifice his own life all over again if needed.

His relationship with his father was still patchy but it was getting there. He helped out at his father's shop when needed. His father asked him to collect rents but he was still uncomfortable doing that. Other times, he continued with his own long-time job as a freelance illustrator for a magazine.

He was content as long as he had his family and could provide for them. It wasn't much, but thankfully Emma and Henry didn't demand extravagant lifestyles.

Today he'd get to see all of the stuff he had collected after his separation from Emma. That meant a lot to him as it represented some parts of his life when they didn't suck.

When he entered the house, Emma was reading a magazine in the living room. He peeked at Henry's room and saw him do his homework for a change.

Henry jumped up when he saw him and hugged him. "Dad, you're home!"

He didn't think he'd ever get used to the excitement he felt whenever Henry uttered the word Dad.

"Yes, buddy, I am. How is homework?"

"So-so. Do we need math if we live back in the Enchanted Forest? It's mostly about farming and running a kingdom."

So Henry was still obsessed with returning to the Enchanted Forest. He thought his adventures in Neverland would put a stop to that but apparently not. He needed to talk about this with Emma.

"I'm afraid so, buddy. Even a prince needs to be able to count. You don't want to be tricked out of your kingdom, do you?"

It then hit him that Emma was a princess and Henry was a prince. He was just a common peasant, even worse, the son of the Dark One. He needed to file this for the things to freak out about in front of Dr. Hopper. His poor therapist had to deal with so much crap from him alone, not to mention Emma's and the rest of his dysfunctional family.

Luckily, Henry was happy with his answer for now and continued doing his homework.

He walked behind Emma and hugged her from behind. "Em, how was your day?"

Emma shrugged and answered nonchalantly. "Very productive. I've sorted out some junk and obtained decent money for that. How was yours?"

He kissed the top of her head and answered, "Boring. There was no heavy lifting as I expected. I think my dad just wanted some excuses to spend more time with me." It then dawned on him. It was supposed to be Emma's day off. What could she possibly sell?

Neal released his hug to face Emma to search for clues. He asked, "You're the Sheriff, what could you possibly sell?"

Emma avoided eye contact with him. "You know, stuff. You'll be surprised how much people are willing to pay for some antiques."

He had a strong suspicion about what Emma had sold. The house was not as cluttered as he expected after this afternoon delivery. To confirm his suspicion, he ran to their bedroom.

He yelled, "Hell no! Emma, what've you done to my stuff?" He didn't care if all of Storybrooke heard it, he had worked hard to collect that stuff and now most of it was gone. At least Emma kept his clothes, which were very few, and his scarves, which were quite extensive. His dream catcher was intact, hanging on top of their bed. His record player and albums were still there. The rest of his stuff was gone! Missing in action! Disappearing into thin air! (Well, given where he lived, this could happen quite literally.)

He went out of the room and sat heavily across Emma's chair, crossing his arms. He took calming breaths, trying not to yell at Emma. When Emma pretended to be engrossed with her magazine, he took it away and tossed it to the side.

"What made you think you have the right to sell all my stuff? Why can Henry keep all his stuff?" He regretted the last sentence as soon as he uttered it.

Emma was taken aback by the angry glint in his eyes. He was never like that except when he fought against Peter Pan's lackeys or protected Henry. Perhaps she had overstepped her boundary. However, she had to say something to defend herself. She was doing it for their own good, to avoid clutter.

"Neal, calm down. You can't possibly compare yourself to Henry. He's only eleven years old and has gone through a lot lately. You're more than 300 years old, you should be able to let go more."

Neal felt like a petulant child but he had to stand his ground with these silly arguments. "Hey, I'm only 274 years old, although physically I'm only 36. You couldn't possibly know what I've gone through."

Emma felt like slapping herself. She kept forgetting that Neal had spent hundreds of years as Peter Pan's prisoner. But still, the clutter was too much. Her belongings could literally be contained within one box. "That was just some old stuff that you didn't really need or use. I thought we needed the money more for Henry's education." She thought it was a bit underhanded but she needed to play the Henry card to calm him down.

It worked. He cooled down a bit hearing Henry's name. He was still not happy but perhaps all was not lost if he could get them back. "But Emma, I worked hard to collect all that stuff. They reminded me of parts of my life when things were better."

"Neal, you have us. Don't you already feel better?"

"I feel better, I really do. But don't you see? We, as the people living in this land without magic, need hobbies. I don't really know what people in the Enchanted Forest do to pass their time. Collecting and maintaining that stuff happens to be my hobby. Those things kept me sane for 11 years after I…" He was unable to complete the sentence. It was still too painful for him.

Emma didn't expect _that_. She attempted to reason with him. "Neal, we have each other, I think that's enough. Don't you think? How could you fit your stuff in our small house?"

"Emma, I'll find a way to fit them through. Even if I decide not to keep them, I've got to choose which one to keep and which one to sell or give away."

"Don't I have the right to decide? After all, we live together. Even Henry has got the right."

Neal couldn't really argue with that but that was his stuff. "What do you suggest I do then?"

"How about a deal?"

He flinched at the word.

Emma corrected herself quickly. "How about a bet? If you're able to collect all your stuff back, I do mean all of them, within three days, you can keep them. However, if you miss even one single item, then you lose the bet and Henry and I get to decide what to do with what you've collected. Do you accept it?"

He whined, "It's not fair. That is my stuff."

Emma raised her eyebrow. "Seriously, Neal! I thought you were made of sterner stuff. Where is your sense of challenge?"

"Apparently, it disappeared along with all my stuff. OK, I accept your bet as otherwise I won't get anything back anyway. Can the three days start from tomorrow instead of now?"

Neal seemed to have a plan and Emma didn't like it. However, it was her fault to start with so she had to give way to him. "OK, three days starting from tomorrow morning."

Neal sent a quick text to his new friend, who was well connected and should be able to help him. His friend replied back asking him to meet at the Rabbit Hole in twenty minutes. He smiled. He looked up from the phone and asked, "Out of curiosity, how did you manage to sell my stuff so quickly? You don't know that many people."

Emma smiled as she was proud at her sudden flash of inspiration. "I didn't. I asked the Blue Fairy and the rest of the fairies to sell them for me. Your antiques gathered a lot of interests, even more so than your father's as I guess, or at least I hope, they were curse free. They were sold out in four hours. Apparently antiques are more popular than candles."

Neal didn't get the reference but at least he knew where to get the list of buyers from. He wore his jacket and scarf and walked out the door.

Emma asked, "Where are you going this late?"

"The Rabbit Hole."

He closed the door. Now it was Emma's turn to worry about what Neal was up to.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

-I know I need to update my WIP stories rather than starting a new one. I was prompted by sailsonthisvessel on Tumblr about Emma sorting out Neal and Henry's stuff. You know who to blame if I don't update as much as I can. My tumblr user name is i-sudoku but unlike others, I try really hard not to get prompts.

-The next chapter is when the battle of the sexes starts. I need suggestions on how the battles were done by other characters. For example, "Milah hid all Hook's guyliners until he listened to her", "Ruby kept hinting Whale to ask for avocadoes" and the likes. Outrageous or funny suggestions are recommended as long as they're in characters.

-If anybody has suggestions of who keeps what for chapter 3, please let me know as well. For example, Hook might purchase the green TV while Archie bought the creepy dolls (if you watch Manhattan, the creepy dolls really exist in Neal's apartment, thanks sailsonthisvessel for showing the screen cap).

-Please let me know what you think.


	2. The Guys Part 1

Thanks to the awesome RainMirror to beta this for me!

_Warning:_ Language and innuendos, characters behaving a bit OOC again to make this plot work.

* * *

When he arrived at the Rabbit Hole, it seemed to be much more crowded than he ever remembered. It was a Tuesday night so it didn't make any sense. Perhaps the people in Storybrooke were similar to the people in New York, drowning their sorrows with a pint or two. He had had a few shares of that, especially when he had just moved to New York because … He needed to stop there.

Luckily he spotted his friend - blond, smooth, and suave in a proper suit. So unlike himself.

"Sorry, I'm late. I thought I could drive here but the bug was out of gas again so I just walked." He sat down heavily next to his new friend.

"That's OK, you got here just in time. I've gathered most of the male population of Storybrooke here."

It then dawned on him that nearly all of the Rabbit Hole occupants were males, except for Mulan who he had just spotted sitting three chairs down from him. Mulan nodded to acknowledge his presence then continued to drink her Coke. She had told him that the taste was heavenly, as she hadn't tasted anything like it in the Enchanted Forest. He guessed there was not much competition to begin with.

"What the hell, Victor? I just asked you to come here for advice about how to get my stuff back since you know nearly everyone in Storybrooke, not to invite all the men here."

"Don't you see? This is a matter of life and death." Neal made a face. "OK, not literally. I deal with that every day you know. I meant we couldn't let these princesses walk all over us. I know emancipation is important, especially in this world, but there are _limits_. They can't just treat us like toys to please them, only to be chucked aside when we aren't needed in …"

Neal quickly clasped his hand over Victor's mouth. "Mulan is present!"

He released his hand and Victor continued, "… the house. Get your mind out of the gutter, Neal! I know you're doing kinky things with the Savior but not all of us are that lucky."

"Keep your voice down! David might be here." He panicked and looked around but thankfully Charming was nowhere to be seen.

"Oh relax! That semi father-in-law of yours is practically whipped. He said he wouldn't come to support the guys. He needed to think of his wife and daughter. By the way, he said he had his eyes on you in case you hurt Emma. Personally, I think he's just worried that Snow might hide his sword and gun holster again."

Neal chuckled nervously at that. So Snow and Charming's vanilla version of marriage row was quite well known in Storybrooke. But Charming was still suspicious of him even after he followed his advice and cooked for Emma practically every day. He said, "I thought Red would be different. She wasn't a princess."

"She's also a werewolf so she has the upper hand in everything. Not to mention Granny is always suspicious of me. She is worse than your David."

"He is not my David. He is Emma's father." He then groaned as he spotted his own father who glared daggers at Hook. He hissed, "Why did you invite them? They only make things worse."

"Who do you mean? Prince Phillip and Robin Hood? I thought they were your best friends. They have had big culture shocks, of course, but they're all right. "

Neal had picked up a few fairy tale characters from his _forced vacation_ in the Enchanted Forest. Henry was delighted that he had The Prince of Thieves, The Warrior Mulan, The Sleeping Beauty and Prince Phillip as his friends. He was surprised but happy that Henry could be so delighted. It was practically impossible to throw a stone in the Enchanted Forest without hitting a fairy tale character or a legend.

Explaining the working order of this world was extremely excruciating though. Luckily, Victor helped with the guys whereas Snow helped with the girls. Victor even took Hook under his wing. He said, "I need to teach these medieval guys how the modern men operate." Neal interpreted it correctly. He intended to teach them how to be a womanizer. Phillip and Robin were disgusted. Not surprisingly, Hook was delighted. Hook and Victor had become what Grace said best friends forever or BFF. They had deemed themselves the Barney Stinsons of Storybrooke. _The_ _Blue Fairy __help us__ all!_

He was surprised that Victor still considered him a friend since he had a completely different lifestyle and views on life._ Perhaps defending him against his father gave a lasting impression?_

"No, not them. My father and Hook," he mentioned through clenched teeth.

"Oh, them." Victor waved his hand nonchalantly. "Hook said that if there was anything concerning your well-being I should inform him and I guess this qualifies. I'm not sure how your father found out. "

"I need my drink. I'll buy yours since I invited you here but I'm not paying for the rest of them."

He then ordered two glasses of beer and some chips for Victor.

"Thanks, mate. Don't worry. I don't think they came here for the drink."

"Really? Mate? You spend too much time with Hook."

"Are you jealous?"

"What? No? I'm not," Neal spluttered. "My plate is already full with Phillip and Robin. It seems Mulan likes to hang out with the guys more than the girls as well."

Victor winked at him. "Perhaps she likes you."

Mulan looked in his direction curiously. He just smiled and pretended like nothing had happened. Luckily Mulan bought it. "Could you be any louder? She's right there. No, Mulan and I are just good friends. If you don't know, I'd better not say anything."

Rumpelstiltskin and Hook heard the commotion and approached.

Hook clasped Neal's shoulder. "Baelfire, it's good to see you here. So Swan let you out of her clutches then. Can I buy you a drink?"

Rumpelstiltskin used his cane to push Hook away from him. "Stay away from my son, pirate! If anybody is going to buy him a drink, it should be me."

"You lost the right when you abandoned him. I wish Milah had returned sooner to pick him up so he wouldn't have fallen down that portal."

"Don't you dare mention her name in front of my son. You lying …"

Neal drowned out the rest of the bickering with his drink. Victor tried to slide away but Neal caught him and pushed him down on the chair. "No, you don't. You've got to help me get this client list from the Blue Fairy. Besides, it's your fault all of them are here."

Victor laughed nervously. "I know the guy who could help you with that." He yelled, "Leroy, please come here."

Leroy was in the middle of playing a losing battle of darts with Anton so he gladly came over. Neal heard Anton yell, "Hey, dude, not fair!" which was ignored by Leroy as he approached their table. His father and Hook still fought animatedly over who got to spend the weekends with him so he promptly ignored them again.

"What's up?" Leroy grinned happily, a little too happily for Neal's liking, as he sat in front of their tables. He saw the chips and snatched them while Victor muttered something about a clogged artery.

Victor clasped Neal's shoulder. People seemed to like to do that to him. "My friend here needs the list of the clients who purchased his stuff in the sale this afternoon. I think you're just the right person to ask."

"Oh, the son of the Dark One now needs our help? Where were you when the failsafe was being activated?"

"Um, I was busy being unconscious in the Enchanted Forest. I wasn't here."

Leroy then laughed. "Oh right, I keep confusing you with your father. You're all right. There might be a problem about obtaining the list though."

Victor tensed. "What do you mean by a problem? I thought you were back with Astrid."

"I am. However, she has been super suspicious of me since Ariel stole my fork. She thought I had a thing with Ariel."

Neal was confused. "Isn't Ariel with Eric?"

"Tell her that. I needed Anton and Whale to vouch for me that I'm indeed with the guys. Not by myself in my boat. She keeps thinking that I'm having an affair with Ariel out on the water."

Victor laughed. "I didn't expect Astrid to be the jealous type. I guess you never can tell with the quiet ones. Besides, Eric will beat you to a pulp if you touch Ariel."

"Hey, I might not be a prince but it doesn't mean I won't win in a fight."

The conversation deteriorated quickly. Neal quickly said, "I believe you'd win. Now, the list. You can just ask her for it. It doesn't involve any boat so why wouldn't she just give it to you?"

"I might be in what you call the dog house at the moment. I might have mentioned that she shouldn't listen to the Blue Fairy too much since she tried to separate us but she still thinks that her boss did that for her own good. If I ask her for the list then she may think I have an ulterior motive."

Neal pulled his own hair. "Oh, dear!"

Victor patted him sympathetically. "Don't worry, I've got this." He promptly stood on his table and tapped his glass with a spoon until the whole room became quiet. "Gents!" Mulan glared at him so he quickly added, "and Mulan. We gather here to help Neal retrieve his stuff. We can't let the ladies treat us like doormats. No offense, Mulan, I think of you as one of the guys."

Mulan said, "None taken. I quite enjoy this." She continued sipping her second glass of Coke.

"They might take away our freedom and our dignity," he continued, "but getting physical by taking our stuff has crossed the line. We must unite to help Neal get his stuff back. Neal, do you want to say something?"

Neal vehemently shook his head. "No, no, I'm fine. I just want my list then I can work on it by myself."

To his horror, someone yelled, "Speech."

He found the source of the noise to be Jefferson.

The rest of the room then chanted, "Speech, speech, speech!" He noticed even Robin and Phillip joined in. _Traitors!_

Only his father remained quiet but he seemed to be enjoying it too much.

It was going to be a long night. He could've killed Victor right then and there! Then again, he was the only surgeon in town, so perhaps not.

* * *

**Note:**

-I thank meresger for some of the ideas in this chapter. The rest will be included in the next chapters.

-Obviously, the guy part for the night is not done yet. You have two choices: Either finish with the guys first then go to see what the girls are up to or just alternate between the guys and the girls. It's your choice.

-Idea? Suggestion? Spot any mistakes?


End file.
